Summer

So in love I caught fire one sunny afternoon at the beach, which was embarassing, to say the least. They saved my hands but not my face. With time and diligent rehabilitation I’ll be able to cook a steak, light a smoke and give you dizzyingly satisfying blowjobs. Now no-one will ever love me as much as you do.

Birds

I spend most of my time at home hiding under my blanket on my phone, slowly sentencing my eyes to a grim, backlit decline, dissolving my brain with its comfort food: minor celebrity tweets, easy potato three ways, furious avians with no place to go.  Behind my door the collection of dirty tea cups is slowly becoming sentient; first her doona, then the world, I think I hear them whisper. One licks its chops and farts quietly as sunrise shrieks through my housemate’s window from beyond the ferris wheel.

Strong and Independent

Going out tonight, looking sexy in my new shoes which will probably eventually disable me over the course of the night. Limping is kind of cute anyway, kinda like the next level of wearing glasses and being a nerd. Guys are into that right? Wearing agent provocateur and shaved my snatch so I’m going to spend most of the night trying to look like I’m only accidentally flashing the dancefloor, clothes to snare a millionaire. Did I tell you I started a blog? I started a blog! It’s on beauty.

Misery Porn

Yeah we’ve done Angkor Wat and S21. It was amazing, like something out of Saw. Ruined my appetite but good for my diet haha. Wow check her out, looks like her diet’s going a little bit too well. God can we go back to the hotel, it’s getting a little bit too real out here. They’ve only got dial-up though, that’s some third-world shit...

Walks

Gosh South Terrace is so funky. So bohemian... oops dodge that one I think she wants your change, you’ve got to make the change you want to see darling haha! Didn’t the Dalai Lama say that? Think she got it? I doubt it. Putting the change into exchange! Yes so that film I saw the other day, so sad and so beautiful! I know, such an awful situation. We should do something about it. One of my friends is doing a fundraising thing, buy a ticket for a chance to stay in Broome and a fly-over of the Kimberley – no just Broome, I hear outside of that it’s a bit dodgy on the ground, late model fords and scabies all over the joint. Spew hey. Want a coffee? Let’s get a coffee, not here though, they don’t use fair trade...

Housemate Wanted

I found her naked in the shower tonight ostensibly dyeing her hair. The breakup has been tough on her, I think. Shouldn’t she be wearing gloves, I think. That hair dye sure is red, I think. “Changing your look, that’s the tr--” She looks up with a smile on what’s left of her face – “Don’t you know, honey? Blondes have more fun.”

Later, at the hospital, the doctors tell me that they don’t know whether she’ll survive the night, let alone the plastic surgery needed to put her face back on. Living with batshit girls, at least I’m never bored.